The past three months have felt a little like an entire year. For one, it’s cold. I don’t do well in the cold. Two, I am both in between projects and not in between projects. (It defies all natural laws but here we are.) And three, I am working in isolation.
First, the cold. Really, who in their right mind loves the cold? I know you’re out there. It makes my bones ache. My muscles tighten to rock. I’m not sure if it’s new allergies or age, but now it seems that winter also always brings an illness or two. I see people walking to the bus wearing flats without socks and I kind of want to scream at them for any number of reasons. Cold makes me anxious. Anxious me tends to be an angry me. It’s the most readily available emotion, easiest to call up and worst to feel — my junk food emotion. I check the weather every day looking for the little sun icon, for a number above 50. Meanwhile, I have become a person who thinks 40 degrees isn’t too shabby. Despicable.
Second, the projects. For reasons I can’t go into detail on here, I am rewriting my book. Again. Yes, again even after that last time. There is no deadline to this except for the one I put on myself so of course there’s a deadline and of course it feels tight. Before I can rewrite, this time I must outline. It is required. And I will tell you a not secret — I am not a writer who outlines. I am a writer who understands how much easier her life would be if she were, but I am not. And so writing this outline has been a lot like how I wrote the book: paste it together, tear it down, paste it together, tear it down, paste it together and rejoice because I finally got it right, tear it down two days later when I admit a glaring error, rinse and repeat, on and on. Oh sure, I’ve taken breaks. I set it down and walked away over the holidays. And it helped in that it made the tearing down just a little easier, the rebuilding a little faster. Holes filled, pathways revealed, all of that. But still — tear down, paste, tear down, paste almost every morning of every day because every day there was a little more light, another clue clicked into place, a little more hope that I was getting it right. I won’t say I got it right this time because I no longer believe in “right.”
Meanwhile, another book is tapping. Lightly on my shoulder, yoo-hoo over here. I make notes. There is a flash every once in a while and I think “Oh, this one will be such a good book!” and then I file it away because there are other things that need finishing right now. Anyone else would tell me to start writing it, to take advantage of those moments, and they’re probably right. But there’s a part of me that thinks there are not enough of those moments yet. They need to build and simmer and wait until they’re impatient and then and only then will I sit down and do what needs to be done. If there’s any alchemy to the job, it is this.
Third, the isolation. Not true isolation, obviously. I live in a city and I have social media. I have writing friends, a critique group I attend. But in the end, there’s no one else in the room when I work. Specifically, there’s no one else in my head (I hope.) Planning this outline, shifting things, cutting and pasting (literally, in some cases) has felt like an elaborate never-ending chess game played against the computer and I am somehow both the player and the computer. I am the winner and the loser, the enemy and the friend, depending on the hour or the day. I tried to pull others into this madness with me — I got critiques, I talked at my husband (who graciously listened and then backed away quickly because of that whole anxiety/anger thing), and I complained to the friends who love me enough to listen and tell me to get over it. But still, it’s only me waking up every morning and working in the dark.
This sounds more sad than it is. But as much as I hate the cold, I love this quiet dark. There is something so freeing in waking up well before the sun, sitting still in a quiet room, and looking out a window where nothing is happening. No birds, no cars, no one walking their dogs. I can feel time stretch out before me like a blanket; I can wrap myself up. Just me, a couple pieces of paper, the glow of the computer, a dark window of the kind only found in winter.
The truth is, once I remember that it is only me at the table, a kind of peace settles over. I stop searching. I tune in to work. That is what we’re here for anyway. Space to do the things we love. Loving it enough to do it without anyone watching. All potential, no applause. Leave it to isolation to set you right.
So that has been my winter. Frustrating and eye-opening and hopeful and still here. Six more weeks to go and then we go again.